


Death Dreaming

by MirandaJ



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Damian Wayne (Implied) - Freeform, Dick Grayson (mentioned) - Freeform, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Tim Drake, Jason Todd (mentioned) - Freeform, Mental Breakdown, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tim Drake-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 22:34:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13511160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirandaJ/pseuds/MirandaJ
Summary: Things were supposed to be fine, he had everything, it was all there for him. He was smart, he had true friends, a lot of money, family was adjusting itself and he was in… everything.Bloodshot eyes stared at him, laughed at him… It was all a lie, he was not fine, he had nothing… nothing there for him… no one he deserved… he was nothing…





	Death Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> I had this story with me for a long time now.  
> I am usually trying to pull out funny and light things, but I can't supress some parts of the dark thoughts and ideas I have gotten lately, so I decided to write my view of a very troubled Tim Drake.

Things were supposed to be fine, he had everything, it was all there for him. He was smart, he had true friends, a lot of money, family was adjusting itself and he was in… everything. Then again he found himself staring at the mirror asking why, why it always had to be this way… his hair falling down in a mess long enough to touch his chin, his eyes were small blue blurs in the middle of the dark circles and bags, his face so pale and cold looking, his mouth dry with thin fingers rubbing the small cuts it had from the dryness… he studied the running water falling from the iron faucet into the white marble sink… hands under water letting it take away the dry blood from his nails the he brought some water to his face washing it for the fifth time since he entered the bathroom.

 

“Tim?” A voice called after a few knocks on the hard wooden door were ignored “Tim are you in there?” Conner called again knocking harder.

 

His head was down and he glanced at the door with thin sandy eyes. “Yeah, just a second.” He answered in a monotonous tone.

 

“Man you have been in there for 45 minutes now,” Conner tried “is everything alright?”

 

“Yeah, I am just… I just need a coffee actually… yeah a coffee.” He tried to sound casual, he looked to the mirror then back at the door. “Would you get me one please?”

 

“Okay, I… I'll be right back.” Superboy’s steps were heard walking away.

 

He turned his head around and ended up staring at himself again, the sound of the water still running, he needed to get out of there… _get out_ … that was all he needed. His palms pushing the marble counter, his arms twisted that he could see his own inner elbows in the mirror, the red shirt was loose it was like it would somehow swallow him, angry for being ripped at the shoulders. The picture he saw was of someone who couldn’t get out… why couldn’t him just let everything go, even himself… for a moment… maybe forever. He shook his now sweating head staring down and decided that was it, he would just go.

 

Walking away from the Titans' Tower wasn’t difficult, easier than leaving the bathroom certainly, but it was like those millions of voices screaming inside his mind made things harder, he thought about the team… He passed by them, laughing at some joke… Conner taking out an ice coffee from the fridge, how could he ever have that in his life…? these people…? these _friends_ ...? That couldn’t be right, _no_ …  He grabbed a black sweater threw it over him and headed to the main door. It was like he had walked hundreds of miles before he hit the city and the voices… they kept screaming… why won't they stop?

 

“Hey Daddy! Look, look what I did.” A little girl pulled a man's hand across the sidewalk, she raised a paper to him, a woman smiling weakly behind her, the dusk lights starting to fade.

 

“Wow! What a great drawing sweetie.” The man knelt down and took the paper… That's when he caught a glance of what was in it, a sloppy drawing of a dark haired boy with blue eyes cutting his own neck with a pocket knife, he startled until somebody stumbled into him he shook his head and saw the drawing again it was just a man smiling. “You are so smart and talented Tina.” That man complimented taking a bag from the woman and walking away with the girl and the paper in his hand.

 

“Hey man are you going to be standing here forever? Clear the way dude.” Some guy loudly shouted at him and he looked around in confusion then moved  to the side, the guy hurried past him mumbling. “-creep.”

 

He sat on a bench on a boulevard downtown, it was crowded, loud, frenetic… the street lights went on, the stores shone in golden, silver and a world of other colors, clothes, jewelries, home decor, foods of all kinds… A minute and all of it was quiet, all the noises were distant, the people seemed to be moving in slow motion, the lights were fading into one another’s losing it's glow. _You are so smart and talented Tina… You are so smart and talented Tin… You are so smart and talented Tim…_ The _smartest_ , _genius_ , no… that was wrong, it was all wrong, Bruce was genius, the real one, the first one… he was a shadow, not even _the_ shadow, just one more shadow that would fade… _Must fade…_ as soon the light hit him. He joined the crowd on their journey to wherever, his feet sore already, it was a good decision to use the subway, he took his wallet and bought the ticket. The train was coming soon…

 

“Thank you everybody!” An older man bowed on some corner… clapping hands, whistles and 'bravos’ were heard. The man smiled easy and started playing the guitar again, he owned it… it was a show and he owned it, he pulled the strings and attached them to pipes above him and hung himself up people screamed and Tim ran over to the small horrified crowd trying to make way to find the man bowing down smiling again and the clapping hands stung in his ears.

 

The train came stealing them all, he stood close to the door and passersby coming and going out of it. He sat on the train chair at some point, _Bravo… Bravo…_ He'd never put on a show, he was good, but not the _show_ kind of good, that was Dick, the stage has always been his and no one else's… That is right, it was all right. He didn't know how long he'd been in the train, there wasn't many people there anymore, he took off and up the stairs. Night had already fell in the sky, no stars shining, the pavement had a dark orange gloom color reflecting the lights, there was a large building surrounded by nothing but concrete ground. He entered, various counters of different traveling companies attracted him. He walked over to them, screens on his way changed between the weather informations to the flight ones then to the time it was. He rested elbows on one of the counters staring at himself in the mirror behind it.

 

“-sir?” He was pulled back by an annoyed female voice and turned his attention to it. “How can I help you sir?” She repeated.

 

“Uh… the next flight to Gotham…” Tim paused and stared back at his own face, eyes wide, the buzzing of a plane suddenly louder than his ears could take.

 

“-Sir?!” The red haired woman practically yelled at him, shaking heads again he turned to her. “The next flight to Gotham is in forty five minutes, but we only have first class seats available.”

 

“Sure, I want a ticket.” The woman seemed unconvinced, but started placing an order.

 

“Your documents please Mr. -” She asked him.

 

“Wayne, Timothy Drake-Wayne” He quickly faked his WE smile and handed her his docs along with a credit card.

 

“I'm sorry Mr. Wayne.” She suddenly choked his name clearly surprised.

 

He payed, grabbed his ticket and went to the waiting room. No bags, no suitcases, nothing but his clothes and a wallet in his pocket. Now it was all smiles and nods at him everytime he handed somebody his ticket and ID. What was he doing in a commercial flight? How did he end up in this airport? He tried playing it back to when he left the bathroom, he looked at his nails, he has been scratching his shoulders whenever he braces himself… braces himself… _brace… protect…_ Protect from what? He was okay, there would be cases for him to work on once he was in Gotham, he would go to his apartment and forget this mess his brain was making. The third calling to board caught his attention, why the hell was he losing focus every minute? Anyway, he stepped into the plane and a gentle girl showed him his seat, an incredibly comfortable beige leather chair with a square side table and a desk in front of it, a panel with a TV was in front of the chair. He settled himself on it and the flight attendant said a few lost words that he thanked just to be polite while she got out.

 

An hour had passed, he wished he could sleep but no way, he never did and his mind wouldn't let him start now. The woman beside him was using the OnAir WiFi to Skype with a boy and he dragged himself to listen to the conversation, the kid was about fifteen he assumed and was in a winter hood and coat with a board in one hand. They chatted for a while until he said he would get down the hill turning the camera so she could see the snow covered mount.

 

 _“This is awesome, really should try it.”_ He said to her over the iPad.

 

“Nah, I leave it to you, the bold and daring Tyler.” She answered teasingly.

 

 _“At least come with me? I’ll just place the cam in my helmet.”_ Tyler did so.

 

“Okay go!” With that he took off and the view of mount as he went down got dazed as he passed by pine trees, big rocks and mid stops to the snowboarders screaming ‘woo hoo’ every dodge he made, excitement filling both him and the woman watching the whole scene. Tim found himself leaning to the side to get a better view of the small screen, the woman didn’t seem to notice but for some reason his heartbeat was racing he glanced down and then back at the iPad to see the guy finish his ride down and stopped at cliff near the last post, took the device from his helmet stared widely to the camera, whispered goodbye and jumped down. Tim screamed breathing heavily, a flight attendant ran over to him and, he looked around, people were staring at him, the woman with the iPad and the boy in snow clothing as well. It couldn’t be, the guy had just… hadn’t he?

 

“Mr. Wayne?” The attendant seemed truly worried.

 

“I… had a bad dream, that was all. I am sorry.” He replied everyone settling down again.

 

“Do you need anything sir? Maybe a calming tea?” She asked.

 

“Yes, please.” He didn’t know how to refuse at how polite and gentle she was acting towards him.

 

Once he finished his ‘calming tea’ he lied down on his seat feeling tired, not remembering the last time he had slept, he slowly blinked his eyes a few times before falling asleep. Restless… that was the word to describe it, all of his fears and insecurities coming and beating him in his sleep… _The bold and daring Tyler… The bold and daring Ty… The bold and daring Tim…_  it was almost laughable, comic if not tragic… Afraid of taking too many risks, never jumping into things without a second, third, fourth thought, he could look up to Jason, the man who could fit it, the boldest person he knew and after all was taken from him several times, even his own life… How can somebody top that? How can _he_ even think of being any close of it? He didn’t deserve to stand close to Jason… He didn’t deserve to stand… _He didn’t deserve…_

 

“Mr. Wayne?” He was stolen from his slumber by the attendant and woke up confused. “We’ve landed Mr. Wayne.” She informed him.

 

“Oh. Right, thank you.” He said and walked out of the plane.

 

A fast taxi ride later and he was back in his apartment, finally he could actually rest, the ‘solving cases eternally’ kind of resting. Three hours had passed sitting a large desk with five different screens and keyboards in front of him, the only window in the room was closed, the small place was peacefully dark, nothing but the computer lights and a lamp on another desk at the opposite end of the room with some papers scattered around it, his phone laying on top of a pile. At that moment his stomach was boiling asking for food so he decided it was time to get some, not leaving his computer or his cases, of course, he phoned a Thai restaurant and made sure to order coffee with the food, every place has coffee, coffee can go with anything, he ignored all the missed calls, he would deal with it later. It wasn't long till his doorbell rang, out of his comfortable darkness felt strange, the light coming from the living room blinded him for a second it was already late morning, how long has it been since he left the tower? He needed to call Conner or someone… The doorbell rang again and rushed over to it, the guy who was holding his thai looked no older than himself and got latin features that showed little patience, probably a consequence from Tim’s spacing out, he kept analysing the boy a minute longer.

 

“Dude I really have a lot of food to deliver, so…” The guy told him handing Tim some paper bags and a cardboard trail of coffee.

 

“Yeah, right… Sorry.” Tim grabbed it and setted it on a sideboard close to his door searching for his wallet still in the pocket of his jeans.

 

When he turned to pay for his food a couple with a kid were stepping out of the elevator, and it all started when the little girl, bouncing her silky black hair, said that she wanted a brother and insisted on it, they ignored it and tried changed subject so she stomped her feet all over the hall to the door, even the deliveryboy turned to them. The situation was clearly embarrassing for the couple, the man knelt down and told her that he wasn’t capable of loving anyone else, that he wouldn’t love her brother, there was no space, the woman nodding in agreement at every word. The girl cried out, first screwing up her face, then letting wild tears follow the loud noise, she pulled the doorknob beside her ripping it out in anger and stabbed it into her own neck blood spilled out weakly until she fell to the ground, her mouth now tainted red pouring the viscous liquid to the light grey floor, blue eyes… cold… staring at Tim… staring at nothing… He wouldn’t move, he tried but his legs didn’t respond, why was that happening…? who were those people…?

 

“Why…?” His voice was barely a whisper.

 

“Dude, what kinda thing ‘you on?” Tim shook his head and turned over to the guy handing him the change.

 

The little girl was entering the other apartment the couple following her as if nothing had happened, the floor shining impeccably clean, the door closed, his body shaking… “Keep it.”

 

“Man, that’s a hundred dollar bill.” The boy stated, confused.

 

“I said keep it!” He shouted, was that guy _dumb idiot_ his mind shouted just “Get Out! Now!” Tim ran inside and slammed the door.

 

He leaned against that piece of wood looked over to his food and slided down on his back hands going through his sweaty hair, it was suddenly really hot, he wasn’t hungry anymore. A shower, that’s what he needed. He headed to the bathroom… He hated them… Bathrooms… Small wet places, mirrors… It only took a moment alone and everything hit him like he was right in front of a machine gun… He breathed in and out, and decided a bath was a better option, turning the water on he sat on the ground, feeling his hands wet as the water filled the tub. He stood up to take his clothes off and there it was, his reflection, old and new scars on his too skinny muscled body, he wasn’t proud of them, just how weak he was for having so many.

 

Bloodshot eyes stared at him, laughed at him… It was all a lie, he was not fine, he had nothing… nothing there for him… no one he deserved… he _was_ _nothing_ … And then, like a thunder breaking into a storm, came the realization he had _never been anything_ … No one that could be _loved…_ There was no space for him… So he screamed a raw, cold and raspy sound coming out of desert dry lips, he couldn’t take it anymore, he didn’t want to take it anymore… _anymore…_ He opened the cabinet and grabbed the razors, this time he would go all the way. Naked and shaking he stepped into the bathtub, maybe the cold water would calm him down, he closed his eyes sinking into it, the half full tub wasn’t enough for him to be under water, he knew exactly what to do to fix it… First his ankles, they were always the easiest, then the wrists, that sweet pain, and finally his neck… He gazed the red taints fading slowly into the water, the bathtub faucet still on, flooding the bathroom… He smiled humming 'mad world', the best thing about it, he thought, was that no matter how many battles his mind could win at some point it would lose and that meant _end…_ and that was when he would be free, when it is all over… He felt calm and peaceful as he dropped his eyes shut.

 

* * *

 

 

“S… Sorry… I… am… so so sorry… I thought I…” He bursted down into vivid tears making the sobs sound like he was gasping for air and couldn't find it, he looked around desperately searching for something or someone or... he didn't even know anymore.

 

“Shhh… Shhh… It’s alright, you are going to be alright…” His eyes staring at a familiar beige wall, his body feeling the familiar softness of the bed… The surprise of being wrapped into the giant arms of a familiar man.

 

He didn’t know what was happening, how he ended up there. Carefully building again his awareness, he noticed the bandages on him, the pulse monitor attached to his finger, the oxygen cannula. He was slowly brought back to place by those strong arms that just held him, he knew who it was, he couldn’t dare to meet his eyes, the tears weren’t willing to stop, he didn’t know what to do, squeezing the sheets wasn’t helping at all…

 

A gentle hand raised his chin, his eyes met tears on the eyes of the man he was sure he would never seen crying and here they were… “I love you Tim.” A whisper and he knew that somehow it would be okay.


End file.
